Blogging returns Monday

Sorry to those who have been stopping by (all 3 of you). I appreciate the interest. I'll resume blogging Monday.

Buy a paper shredder

Now.

7 dead in Seattle shooting

Looks like my claims of Seattle having "no crime" (see post below) have been proven false in under 24 hours. This must be some sort of record, usually my claims are refuted by real world evidence much faster.

I'll put up a link to the story when I see one, but what happened was some guy killed 6 people and then himself. This happened 3 miles from my apartment.

The reason I so blithely claimed that Seattle has no crime is that I've seen cops giving out jaywalking tickets. The way I see it, if a cop is enforcing jaywalking, there's no crime of note on his beat.

I'm sure you're getting annoyed by all my references to Chicago, but I'm going to make another one. In Chicago, I so blatantly ran a red that I slowed down in the intersection and made eye contact with the cop, who I had just noticed was parked nearby, and gave him the "oops shrug". He just waved me by. Chicago cops have better things to worry about than my stupid ass blatantly, I mean 2-3 seconds after turning blatantly, running a red.

Of course cops enforcing jaywalking is a good thing. It means you live in a more or less crime free environment, so I'm not complaining.

UPDATE: Here's the story. An officer in the neighborhood heard the shots and came right on the scene. He ordered the gunman to drop the shotgun, but the guy killed himself instead. It's a horrible tragedy, but I think it shows that the police responded well. You can't really get any better than immediate help.

[I edited this post because my writing sucks]

There's no winter in Seattle

I wrote something along these lines to a Chicago buddy in an email, but I thought I'd post on it to get this important emergency message out: Seattle has the lamest winter ever.

I was onboard the bandwagon when Seattle went to the SuperBowl. I even went to a playoff game and bought a hat. I like the hat so much I retrieved it from the balcony below after a drunken mishap (is there any better kind?).

I happily count myself among the liberal minded "left coasters" of whom Seattle has in abundance (liberal in the classic sense). Funky artsy-fartsy neighborhoods: fine. No crime: awesome. Decriminalized pot: great. I'll even root for the local university when they're not playing Michigan. But I'm drawing the line right here at the weather, Seattle. Winter is not harsh here, at all.

Oh sure it rained alot. A record for days of consecutive rain was almost broken (the record is something like 33 days and we got to something like 27). But it didn't snow once and the coldest it ever got was like 20 degrees at night, 40's in the day. Let me dwell on that a bit in case you missed the implications. The coldest it got was above freezing in the daytime.

That's a pang of jealousy, midwesterners. Above freezing during winter at all is balmy. I have so far turned the heat on twice since I've lived here, and once was just for the whiny girl I had over.

Seattle, I laugh at your pussy winter. Ha ha! You call this a winter? We call that late spring/early summer in the midwest. Even the rain is a pussified misty form of rain, so gentle that you don't mind standing in it at the bow of the ferry. Maybe it picks up in summer, but I have heard exactly one thunderclap since I've lived here.

The much ballyhooed rain of Seattle is a fucking joke. The annual rainfall here is lower than DC and NYC (thanks Neckfro). Maybe it's a conspiracy to keep midwesterners from moving here.

There's none of those hail filled, tornado startin', power cuttin', sewer overflowin', oh my god the roof is going to collapse, torrential shitstorms you get in the midwest over here! It's just warm misty rain. It's kind of nice actually, if you're out running or something.

And of course all the Seattlites bitch and complain about how cold it is, with the barest wisp of a concept of what it truly means to be "frigid". Let me help you out here a little bit, my confused Seattle friends. And just for the record, I am not exaggerating or making any of these up.

"Frigid" is walking outside and your boogers noticeably freezing the instant you cross the threshold. If you're not sure if this has happened to you or not, it hasn't. It's not a sensation one looks forward to because it's usually followed quickly by "I can't feel my toes".

"Frigid" is not standing outside in a t-shirt in January, and complaining about how cold it is. If you can place yourself out of discomfort by wearing a windbreaker, it is by definition not cold. Might I suggest "nippy".

"Frigid" is going to a movie and coming out and finding your car encased within an inch thick coating of ice. You think I'm exaggerating, I assure you that I am not.

"Frigid" is not simply seeing your breath.

"Frigid" is keeping gloves and some way of protecting your ears in your car at all times because you'd get frostbite walking from the parking lot to whichever building you're going to (the ears are the worst, aren't they?). If you don't factor frostbite into your daily routine for a stretch of at least 1 month per year, shut up right now because you are not allowed to bitch about the cold. Frigid is also running your hands under warm water after forgetting your gloves.

"Frigid" is not any temperature above 32 degrees! We can debate at which temperature "frigid" starts, but we can all agree that it's below freezing. It actually causes me physical pain to hear people say "It's freezing outside" when it's 40 degrees. If it's not cold enough to freeze a glass of water, it is -- literally and figuratively -- NOT FREEZING.

"Frigid" is discovering a bottled water in your car, that was parked in the garage, that's as solid as a throng of senior citizens on pancake day (I don't know what that means either, but it sure paints an interesting visual).

"Frigid" is when a 30 minute commute becomes a 3 hour snarl. Yes, it has actually taken me 3 hours to drive home before. Thankfully that only happened once. Have you ever seriously considered peeing into a bottle? Seattlites like to bitch about the traffic too, and of course they have no idea what really bad traffic is like, but I'll admit that it sucks here. Seattle has bad traffic on the freeways during rushhour anyway. But they've never had anything like the snowstorm/traffic jam that shut down Chicago the day before I left.

It was then that I heard the funniest traffic report of all time, an instant classic. This report is burned into my memory next to The Simpsons and Monty Python quotes, the safest place in my memory. Keep in mind that most of the humor stems from the fact that I was home already and moving soon, so I wouldn't have to deal with it for much longer.

The report went something like this, "... we don't even have estimates for driving times anywhere ... assume it's at least 3 hours to go anywhere on any highway in any direction, probably more ... you might be better off getting a motel room by your work ... there are a few accidents that you should try to avoid ... [list of about 20 intersections with accidents] ... " and then, as if it were an afterthought, they tacked on, "... aaaaaaaand there's a plane at the intersection of 55th and Central" and then quickly cut away to something else without further explanation.

Now in hindsight it's not so funny because a 6 year old boy died, but at the time this was the funniest thing I had ever fucking heard. It was that pause, that hesitation to mention the friggin' plane in the middle of the friggin' road for frig's sake, only including it as an afterthought, ya know, if they can get around to it. And then they just cut away as though planes winding up at intersections are as natural as can be.

Comedy people, pure comedy. I spent about 20 minutes laughing my ass off before calling people to share the fun. You'll never hear a traffic report like that in Seattle.

So anyway. These are the wimpy lower 48 forms of frigid. If you want to know what true cold is like, go spend a winter in Alaska or Canada (that's the big state we ignore next to Alaska, north of North Dakota). I doubt you've ever seen an engine block warmer, if you've even heard of one before now.

In its defense, this is an unusually warm winter for Seattle. But that doesn't excuse all the whiny bitching about the cold I keep hearing.

Anyone breaking the cold bitching rule will be tracked down by a crack team of Canadians who will give you a sound hockeystick drubbing while lecturing you on all the various ways their country is blah, blah, blah, I don't know what goes here because no one listens that far into a Canadian's schpiel. But you're going to! So quit your bitchin' about the cold Seattle!

Don't get me wrong, I like it that the winter is so mild. I'm just annoyed by all the bitching.

There was an intergalactic alien ruler named Xenu

I'm only a few pages into this illustrated history of Scientology, but I'm already laughing my ass off. Enjoy (pdf).

How to levitate

Cool video. Here's another levitation trick that's not as cool (the trick Blaine made famous).

Dick Cheney's suite demands

This is hilarious. It's actually written into a contract that Dick Cheney's staff gives to places he's going to stay that all TV's be preset to Fox News (but they are to please let his office know if it is cable or satellite). There's other amusing things in there as well. Apparently his wife drinks pansy cheese eating surrender water (Perrier).

I am a dumb

Last night I twisted my ankle really badly while shuffling sleepily to the bathroom in the dark. I feel like a total moron. Have you ever choked on your own saliva? That's how dumb I feel right now, own-saliva-chokingly dumb.

I was going to go to the store but I think I'll just hobble around here until tomorrow. This sucks.

Don't forget the season 10 premier of South Park tonight. It's being billed as a "Chef Returns" episode. They've turned new material around in under 6 days before, so this is probably a quickie they dashed off in response to Isaac Hayes leaving. This whole Chef/Scientology kerfuffle sure was coincidentally timed wasn't it?

UPDATE: That was a pretty good episode, what with the blatant splicing together of old Chef quotes and equating Scientology with a silly little club that brainwashed him. I thought they gave Isaac Hayes a decent and respectful sendoff, insofar as Matt and Trey will ever do so.

I wonder if Darth Chef will ever return in later episodes?

UPDATE 2: The beeb comments. You might be asking yourself how I can characterize their treatment of Chef as "respectful" when they turned him into a pedophile and then had him eaten by a lion and a bear. I'm talking about Kyle's statement at the funeral (ripped from the BBC article):

"A lot of us don't agree with the choices the Chef has made in the last few days.

"Some of us feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us.

"But we can't let the events of the past few weeks take away the memories of how Chef made us smile."

They seem to be saying they still like him even though he's acting like a baby.

UPDATE 3: Yep, the ratings were really good.

I need a photo editor

Anyone feel like sounding off on their favorite free photo editor? It's time to start using something better than Paint. Ideally it would be simple. All I need it to do is resize images, cut and crop, and manipulate colors and brightness a little.

Thanks in advance.

Math for programmers

I just used up my nerd quota for March.

Neat Lego sculptures

This life sized Lego Volvo is cool, but this (not life sized) aircraft carrier is awesome.

I'm getting old

Since we've decided as a society to track anniversaries, yearly events, and annual occurrences -- not to mention periodic happenings -- I thought I would list off what I've learned this year.

I can't eat spicy food like I used to. I loves me some of the spiciest food you can imagine. Thai and Indian rank among my favorites and my soy/wasabi combo while eating sushi is usually nuclear. But not anymore. It's a sad day, it is.

I don't recover from hangovers like I used to. I celebrated my birthday by going out to an excellent dinner with my bro and his wife, then I stopped by The Bar for a couple beers. Just about everyone I know from the bar was there and they all wanted to buy me a drink. One guy I didn't even know bought me a beer and a shot of Jager. Thanks former inmate! I drank more than I intended, but not more than I've been able to handle in the past. But the hangover, jeez. It's just not worth it anymore.

Not making any money and living frugally can be more rewarding than having a steady job and paycheck. This isn't exactly news, but I now have proof.

A bar is not the best place to meet new people unless you want alcoholic friends. Not surprisingly, my best guy friend in Seattle doesn't drink at all. This should be a clue.

For being sloppy fastfood, Jack in the Box is pretty good.

There are some people who aren't vegans/vegetarians or Jewish/Muslim yet they still refuse to eat pork. This confuses me. Just thinking about my ribs makes my mouth water. I can cook you a pork chop that will make you forget about steak. Denying yourself bacon ought to be classified as self abuse.

People on the west coast care about football and sports in general. Coming from the midwest, I got the impression that sports were generally shunned out here. Not so. Maybe in Portland, but definitely not in Seattle.

NYC and Washington DC both get more annual rainfall than Seattle. If Maxim says so it must be true.

It's not easy being cheesy

I don't know why I like it so much, but this is one of the hottest pictures I have ever seen (borderline work safe, no nudity in this pic but if you poke around the gallery you'll find some).

Haha, I said "poke".

The other pics on his site are creepy.

A series of pics in which some Russians get a pig drunk and then shoot it out of a cannon

No, really.

More fun at Scientologists' expense

The rumor is Tom Cruise blackmailed Viacom into not re-airing South Park's hilarious Scientology episode, though his spokesperson denies it. Matt and Trey reminded me why they're my heros with this response:

"So, Scientology, you may have won THIS battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! Temporarily anozinizing our episode will NOT stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. Curses and drat! You have obstructed us for now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu!!!"

I defy you to read that without giggling.

Ordinarily I don't think it's fair to single out any religion's mythology for mockery unless you're going to do them all. So Scientology wouldn't get a second glance from me but for these hilarious protestations. It's like making fun of Canadians; half the point is how angry they get. They don't realize we don't care. The more self righteous they get the funnier it is to mock them.

It doesn't help Scientology's case any that their version of the creation myth is a little more bizarre than the major religions'.

What fun can you have in a pool anyway that you can't have in a bathtub with a garbage bag taped around your cast?

I was just treated to one of those rarest of gems: a Simpsons episode I'd never seen. And it was from season 6, before they got terrible.

I don't know what to say. I feel like celebrating. It's like waking up at noon on Saturday and realizing you have another whole day of dicking around to do. Fuck yeah.

I don't want to watch it again because I don't want to spoil it, but it was simply amazing to not anticipate any jokes. And the jokes were fresh. Remember when the writing was good and the jokes weren't just repeats of the same old gags?

It had the zaniest Itchy and Scratchy I've ever seen (but definitely not the most disturbing) plus reruns of "Classic Krusty" from 1961 where he discusses the economy with some old blowhard in black in white. Wow.

By the way, it was episode 1 from season 6, Bart of Darkness. It's the one where they get a pool, but Bart breaks his leg so he has to sit in his room all summer while Lisa becomes popular as the pool queen. While up there he supposedly witnesses Ned murdering Maude.

I may have seen it before, but it was probably only once when it was aired in 1994. I think they only repeat bad seasons or something, because I see the same episodes on TV over and over and over and they're always either from seasons 1 and 2, or from recent seasons.

Aside: Can anyone guess the most disturbing Itchy and Scratchy? I'll give you a hint, it's not the episode where the Itchy and Scratchy robots go berzerk. I'm talking strictly about the cartoon Bart and Lisa watch on the Krusty the Clown Show.

Update: [Homer sleeping on the pile of sugar mumbles in a Mexican accent] In Amer-ee-ca, first you get da shoo-gar, den you get da pow-ah, den you get da wee-men...

Hayes quits South Park

No!

Isaac Hayes quits 'South Park'

NEW YORK -- Isaac Hayes has quit "South Park," where he voices Chef, saying he can no longer stomach its take on religion.

...

"There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," the 63-year-old soul singer ... said.

"Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honored," he continued. "As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

[emphasis added] As with most perceived religious slights, his concern only lies with the mocking of his own beliefs. I'm deliberately removing the mention of his religion. Can you guess it?

"South Park" co-creator Matt Stone responded sharply in an interview with The Associated Press Monday, saying, "This is 100 percent having to do with his faith of .... He has no problem - and he's cashed plenty of checks - with our show making fun of Christians."

...

Stone told The AP he and co-creator Trey Parker "never heard a peep out of Isaac in any way until we did Scientology. He wants a different standard for religions other than his own, and to me, that is where intolerance and bigotry begin."

Well put. And well timed, as some have pointed out that this little altercation takes place right before another season is being released on DVD.

So what have we learned? It's ok to rip on Christians, Jews, Mormons, faith healers, Native Americans, Canadians, Americans, Chinese, homosexuals, fat people, hippies, cripples, black people fer chrissakes ... but Scientology ought to be in a special little category that no other religion or group belongs in. How mature for a man who's made millions off playing a racial stereotype.

Smile more

This is a fascinating look at the science of studying facial expressions, but I found this nugget expecially interesting:

[some guy] received his most memorable lesson in this truth when he and [some other guy] first began working on expressions of anger and distress. "It was weeks before one of us finally admitted feeling terrible after a session where we' d been making one of those faces all day," [] says. "Then the other realized that he'd been feeling poorly, too, so we began to keep track." They then went back and began monitoring their body during particular facial movements. "Say you do A.U. one, raising the inner eyebrows, and six, raising the cheeks, and fifteen, the lowering of the corner of the lips," [] said, and then did all three. "What we discovered is that that expression alone is sufficient to create marked changes in the autonomic nervous system. When this first occurred, we were stunned. We weren't expecting this at all. And it happened to both of us. We felt terrible . What we were generating was sadness, anguish. And when I lower my brows, which is four, and raise the upper eyelid, which is five, and narrow the eyelids, which is seven, and press the lips together, which is twenty-four, I' m generating anger. My heartbeat will go up ten to twelve beats. My hands will get hot. As I do it, I can't disconnect from the system. It's very unpleasant, very unpleasant."

[], [], and another colleague, [], who teaches at [], published a study of this effect in Science. They monitored the bodily indices of anger, sadness, and fear -- heart rate and body temperature -- in two groups. The first group was instructed to remember and relive a particularly stressful experience. The other was told to simply produce a series of facial movements, as instructed by [] -- to "assume the position," as they say in acting class. The second group, the people who were pretending, showed the same physiological responses as the first. A few years later, a German team of psychologists published a similar study. They had a group of subjects look at cartoons, either while holding a pen between their lips -- an action that made it impossible to contract either of the two major smiling muscles, the risorius and the zygomatic major -- or while holding a pen clenched between their teeth, which had the opposite effect and forced them to smile. The people with the pen between their teeth found the cartoons much funnier. Emotion doesn't just go from the inside out. It goes from the outside in. What's more, neither the subjects "assuming the position" nor the people with pens in their teeth knew they were making expressions of emotion. In the facial-feedback system, an expression you do not even know that you have can create an emotion you did not choose to feel.

So yeah. Smile more. Your well being may depend on it.

Blogging from Iraq

This is a really good non-political blog written by a guy who's traveling around Kurdistan. I would avoid the danger zones if I were in Iraq too. Still, it's great reading and has lots of neato pictures. Worth your time if you give a damn.

Funny comics

That was an imaginative title.

Anyway, this is a really funny page of photoshopped comics.

And anyone who still doesn't read Achewood is just a moron, plain and simple.

Water on Enceladus1

Cassini spots water geysers

...

The surprising images from the moon Enceladus represent some of the most dramatic evidence yet that water in liquid form may be present beyond the Earth.

Excited by the discovery, some scientists said Enceladus should be added to the short list of places within the solar system most likely to have extraterrestrial life.

...

Very cool. This reminds me of a huge post I started writing about the quandry of Iapetus² that I never finished. Iapetus is without question (to me anyway) the single biggest mystery in the solar system, which is probably why Arthur C. Clarke used it as the original site of the interdimensional gateway in his book 2001 (a few things got changed for the movie and subsequent books). It's so bizarre that conspiracy theorists go nuts with the possibilities. I don't mean to overstate the case, but if there's anywhere to look for evidence of advanced alien civilizations, Iapetus would be the first place to look (aside from perhaps Mars).

Maybe I should finish that post.


1 That's a moon of Saturn, genius
2 Didn't you take Astronomy?

Important evolutionary news

Rat-squirrel not extinct after all

Well thank goodness for that.

Money advice

This is the best money advice I've ever seen (video).

Bravery? Bravery? ... Bravery?

Ben Stein makes a good point.

...

The idea that it is brave to stand up for gays in Hollywood, to stand up against Joe McCarthy in Hollywood (fifty years after his death), to say that rich white people are bad, that oil companies are evil -- this is nonsense. All of these are mainstream ideas in Hollywood, always have been, always will be. For the people who made movies denouncing Big Oil, worshiping gays, mocking the rich to think of themselves as brave -- this is pathetic, childish narcissism.

...

No doubt the men and women who came to the Oscars in gowns that cost more than an Army Sergeant makes in a year, in limousines with champagne in the back seat, think they are working class heroes to attack America -- which has made it all possible for them. They are not. They would be heroes if they said that Moslem extremists are the worst threat to human decency since Hitler and Stalin. But someone might yell at them or even attack them with a knife if they said that, so they never will.

...

I find it a little amusing that he says rich people aren't evil and then derides stars for wearing expensive clothing, but otherwise his point stands. All the "bravery" it takes to support gays, mock Jesus, and attack dead Republicans is but a thimble full compared to the ocean of bravery this brave soul (poor bastard?) has.

I can use strange metaphors if I want!

Elephants and women

Instinct tells one they'd make a wonderful combination, but no:

Woman Enters Exhibit, Elephant Smacks Her

WACO, Texas — A 25-year-old woman climbed past barriers and into an elephant's zoo exhibit, then crawled out with minor injuries after the 6,000-pound animal smacked her with its trunk.

"That's how an elephant reacts to something they would perceive as a threat," said Cameron Park Zoo director Jim Fleshman.

After saying she wanted to play with the elephant, the woman climbed over a 3-feet-high wood-and-wire fence, scaled an 8-foot-tall artificial rock structure and bypassed an electric wire before jumping into the exhibit Thursday afternoon, Fleshman said. A moat extends around most of the exhibit.

...

[emphasis added] Let me guess, her name is something like Moonbeam or Flowerchild and she was under the effects of something. Alas, the article doesn't mention her name, but this slapping incident exposes another way in which women and elephants share many inherited traits.

Haha, am I right guys? Guys?

Jupiter's not so great red spot

link

... I want you to be more assertive. I'm tired of everyone calling you Alexander the Pretty Good.

Live actions Simpsons

Here's an apparently British live action of the opening song of The Simpsons. Kind of creepy, but interesting.

Spending spree

Someone get me off of Amazon before I bankrupt myself. I got some software I need for work. I can't believe I just sent Microsoft $125. I also got some freakin' sweet pajama bottoms that feature Brian drinking martinis, plus some flannels. Because nothing says "growing as a person" like wearing the same shit you did in highschool.

Random funny aside: JB thought I named my computer "Thunderbird" when I complained about my mail client not forwarding attachments by default. I don't know why but that's really tickling my funny bone right now. Thunderbird, ho!!!!

But seriously, if I was going to name my computer anything it would "smokin" (that's its real name). And my name, as far as this computer is concerned, is Commander Cool.

In real life I go by Rex Falconer.

Put words on an LED sign

Good times had by all. You type in a phrase and it lights up on an LED board in Canada. I didn't think I would be amused by this, but when I saw "My butt is awesome" up in lights I was instantly hooked.

Remember Nationstates?

I've been playing with it again. I am Dexter Hill in The Lexicon. Some girl named Cathy asked me to join their region, so I did. I doubt I'll get into the regional politics much. They take it so seriously! I noticed they drew up a map of their region and assigned territories to "nations" ... I see a D&D game in your future ...

An act of civil obedience

This is an interesting, and dangerous, exercise in demonstrating the absurdity of 55mph speed zones (video). This example takes place in Atlanta, but I routinely drove 75-85 on Chicago's highways which are also posted 55.

I always assumed the point in keeping speed limits absurdly low was to give cops an excuse to pull anyone over they wanted to, plus giving cops a good revenue source whenever funds were running low. I'm probably wrong on the details here, but more than around 10 over the speed limit is "reckless driving" which raises the fine to several hundred dollars, plus who know what other hassles.

To the Chicago cops' credit, they didn't seem to give a shit about speeders unless you were weaving lanes and generally being an ass. That doesn't mean the speed limit should be artificially low though.