There is no freewill

It took several years of intense contemplation. I've balanced gut feeling off reasoned argument for a decade, without reaching a conclusion. But I finally discovered irrefutable proof. Do you want to know what it is? I warn you, once you know what I know, you will be forced to give up any notions of freewill forever.

Do you still want to know? Ok, here goes:















Buffalo wing flavored cheese.


What in the world does something like buffalo wing flavored cheese have to do with freewill, you ask? Well, what self respecting agent of freewill would buy buffalo wing flavored cheese?

Uh, me, that's who. And now I doubt my ability to exercise my will upon the world.


It works like this. As soon as I said "buffalo wing", the women out there either went "yummy!" or "oh, yeah, those are ok". But all the guys immediately imagined a pile of steamy wings, perfectly sauced, next to a brimming bowl of the dip of their choice. You know who you are. Your mouth is watering right now and you can't help it.

They may qualitatively differ, but each of us guys has our own particular Wingpile of Eden that is completely irresistible. This fantasy is invoked every time we see anything remotely associated with wings. I can hardly watch hockey.

Those goddamn marketers know aaaaall about this little trick and they, get this, use our own desires to sell us stuff. Those bastards!


So when I saw the package for buffalo flavored cheese, I had to buy it. It wasn't a belabored decision. It's not like I was buying a toilet brush or anything. But to walk passed it without tossing it in wasn't going to happen. It had the potential to save my shopping trip (it didn't).

Certainly nothing else in my cart looked satisfying. Oh yeah, egg beaters and tofu really get me going. The highlight of my fucking week was buying a bunch of neat spice mixes at the Asian market. But buffalo cheese ... hey, that's borderline ok, it not being mostly fried chicken skin.

Cram the nostril wads and lash me to the mast, maties! I'm olfacting this scented siren first hand!


So how's the cheese? Meh. It's nice and spicy, and neon orange, but it tastes nothing like buffalo sauce. Another in a string of buffalo wing disappointments.


That's nothing new though. Very very rarely does any place make better than decent wings (or wing related products, obviously). I've found the odd place that makes great ones throughout the various cities I've lived in, but they're always rare finds.


I still can't believe I bought buffalo wing cheese. Really, what was I thinking? How in the world would that be satisfying? No freewill people. I didn't think so before, but there's no other conclusion now.


I should know better than to end a post with one of these questions because it basically guarantees no comments, but: what's your buffalo wing cheese?