Saturday, April 08, 2006

The Seattle Scribe gets drunk with Germans and riffs on love

That's not really true. There was only one German. But we definitely got drunk.

On a lark, I went to the Sunset Tavern. My buddy Bob (that's the tall rasta looking guy) gave me a ride over. I didn't know how I was going to get home, but that was a full several hours away, so I didn't care.

I ran into Bob and one of his cohorts at The Bar, where I was getting pre-sauced. The cute bartendress knows how I likes me drinks (doubles, I'm not a complicated person people), so I like her despite her being a vegan. I should be nicer. She actually managed to convincingly laugh when I said "abso-fucking-lutely". What a sweetheart.

I was clipping a pretty good buzz in the car when Bob's wife called to check up on him, like he's some little boy. He handles these events with amazing calm. Everyone's mileage will vary of course, but from what I can tell, you should never get married. I guess if you're hellbent on having kids it makes sense, but otherwise I would avoid it. I only know one genuinely happily married couple, and a lot of people who fake it.

You think it's going to be guaranteed ass for the rest of your life, and I think guys enter into the agreement with this in mind, but it so completely isn't. The woman has to fear losing you to keep screwing you, apparently. Marriage is for suckers. If you're contemplating marriage, just assume that in a few years your wife will either stop having sex with you, or she will be so unappealing (I don't mean physically) that you don't want her. Do you still want to be intricately legally bound to this person? Don't get me wrong, love is beautiful and is the highest form of emotional bliss. It's also fleeting. Don't be stupid. Marriage is for having kids.

If my readership has somehow extended outside of a few of my close guy friends and there are some ladies reading this, some of you may think sex isn't a key component to a marriage/relationship. It would surprise me, but maybe someone has this opinion. If you're honestly thinking that, you get a gold star. You obviously are a total fucking moron. I'm shocked you made it this far in life without drowning in your own spit.

Have you not figured men out yet? Christ, we're not complicated at all. Food, sex, beer, sports, videogames -- in some combination. We all need sex, but apparently men need it a whole fuckload more than you do. I know this is true because even when I'm getting laid, I still masturbate. You know that part in There's Something About Mary when Ben Stiller "cleans the pipes" before going out on the date? Let's just say there's a bit of truth to that. Don't be grossed out. From what I hear, there comes a time when some men can't get erections at all. If you women weren't so damn attractive it wouldn't be a problem anyway. So if you don't like it, ugly up.

So anyway, if you're not screwing your man, he's looking over your shoulder for the next woman. Period. (some men use this as justification for cheating, those men are assholes) We're not that particular, so even though it's not ideal, all you have to do is give it up if you want to do the bare minimum to keep him faithful. It's not much fun to more or less screw the couch, but at least it's sex. Sadly, most men will take quantity over quality here. I'm just sayin', don't be surprised if he's looking to trade you in if you've stopped having sex with him (I am not saying cheating is justified). And while I'm at it, men, if she isn't blowing you, she doesn't love you. No exceptions.

Anyway, my deep rooted psychological problems aside, I'm pretty sure a couple of my friends called me last night. I'm also pretty sure I either talked to them, or didn't. If you talked to me or left a message, and it was important, you prolly ought to call me back.

The Sunset was a cool bar. I showed up an hour or so before the music started. The bartenders were really cool and didn't mind chatting up the newcomer. I endeared myself to them by turning in an errant 50 I found on the ground. The owner bought me a beer, which I thought was nice. The random Asian dude I was talking to at the bar turned out to be the bass player/singer of the headlining band, which I thought was cool. Super nice guy, unassuming. The music was very grunge and they brought a righteous wail that I appreciated the fuck out of. I had a great time all around. Never let it be said that hitting up a random bar by yourself isn't fun!

I was hoping to make some new friends, and I guess I did, but neither of them are friends I can keep for long. One is a crabber and the other is German. That means one is heading out on a boat for 10 months next week, and the other is going back to Germany. Oh well. Nice guys and good conversation. And plenty of beer. Holy christ. I love Germans and their beer schwilling ways! For some reason I've always gotten along with the Germans I've met. All except this hot German girl from my highschool, who I'm pretty sure thought I was a douchebag. Maybe it would have gone better if I hadn't made it pathetically obvious that I wanted desperately to hump her Aryan bones. Oh well.


This morning I woke up feeling mostly fine. That's awesome of course, considering how much beer I drank. What's strange is I didn't roll over and pass back out. I just got up, which is a new development for me. My whole life I've been cursed? blessed? with the ability to easily sleep right through the day, evacuations of Saigon, etc. I slept right through my alarm, which I guess is something. But as soon as I staggered awake sideways on my bed and noticed the quasi-sun beaming in, I was up. It may have something to do with all the working out I've been doing lately, but I'm pretty sure I just mentioned that to brag about how much working out I've been doing lately (I'm like, totally buff an shit -- not really).

But there's one thing that's not in dispute: I wish I had some icecream.

I wasn't sure what I was going to eat today, but I just found a slab of ribs in the freezer. Fuck yeah! I make the best fucking ribs. All you Jews and Muslims and vegetarians can suck it, because I'm gonna eat some fucking pork and it's gonna be fucking awesome!

5 Comments:

At 10/4/06 10:21, Anonymous garlic said...

I had a great weekend that was punctuated with interrupting sex for a vomit break. I blame Jared's jello shots, since the blue moon on it's own should have been perfectly fine.

 
At 10/4/06 15:39, Anonymous JB said...

I had that happen to me once...decided it was time for a new girlfriend.

 
At 10/4/06 15:49, Blogger TSS said...

garlic: Haha! Interrupting sex for vomit. That reminds me of college. I was screwing some girl in the bushes and she told me to stop and the she leaned over and barfed. Sexy!

jb: What thing happened to you? Are you responding to me or to garlic's comment?

 
At 12/4/06 10:58, Anonymous Anonymous said...

yes, you have female readers. i'd just like to point out, though, that by the time a woman reaches the point of disgust that causes her to quit having sex with her husband, she couldn't give a shit if he cheats on her or not. she knows she won't get a disease, cause she's not having any sex.

you are exactly right- there are plenty of women out there who do actually care about monogamy, and they continue to have sex to "keep their man". Men understand this, and take advantage of it. What I can't understand, however, is why this doesn't damage their male ego. "My wife only fucks me to keep me here or get me to do the laundry". If the role were reversed, that type of thinking would make me feel about as attractive as maggots swimming in a pool of rotting flesh.

Men are strange.

 
At 12/4/06 19:02, Blogger TSS said...

Hey there! Thanks for speaking up. It's kind of weird knowing there are people reading this who never comment, so I'm glad you left something.

So anyway. I hope you don't take me too seriously. The over the top nature of this post was mostly just for fun. But I'm glad to get a woman's perspective on this.

Oh, I think a gf who's basically just laying there during sex hurts the ego, or at least signals that something's wrong. Maybe she's just tired, but if it keeps up, you know something is wrong.

Alot of it depends on maturity too. If you had good communication, you would know about the problem before it manifested in the bed anyway.

And men are no weirder than women!

 

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