Wednesday, April 05, 2006

The bathroom habits survey

NOTE: Don't read this unless you want to read a blunt discussion of bathroom stuff. You have been warned.

This survey is mildly amusing. A few thoughts:

I didn't think standing up to wipe was an option. Do people really do that? I guess so.

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who uses wetnaps. I'm not worried about "being gay", I'm just glad to know that other people aren't walking around with shit crumbles falling out of their asses all day. Unfortunately, 74% of the people who took this survey are perfectly fine with the idea of shit particles (shiticles? craparticles? pooticles?) smearing their underwear and tumbling around in there all day long. Not many things are as gross as the incomplete wipe. Just think, these people must be receiving oral sex too! Gross. I don't want to be even near that. Gag. This is why I don't go "downtown" unless I have a good sense that the girl has good cleanliness habits.

Incidentally, other than cleanliness issues, this is the main reason why I dislike crapping in public toilets. I don't care about "making noise" or anything. Hell, if there's someone else making noise, I look at it as a competition. I can fart louder than that, asshole! (haha, get it?) I just prefer to be clean when I'm done, not walking around with a half-wiped ass. When I was a kid I would try to take a shower after each dump, but of course that's just not practical. When I worked predictable hours I purposely had my body trained to get up, go number 2, and then take a shower.

I'll bet alot of people lie on the washing hands question. It completely baffles me why some people refuse to wash shit off their own hands. Yay, ebola! There are some cases when the sink is so nasty that just peeing and leaving is best, so I'll except that. But otherwise it's really gross to not at least rinse off for pee, and a poop demands an actual attempt at washing.

And no, I don't piss all over my hands when I pee, but touching the flusher or anything in the bathroom is worth washing your hands for. I'm so disgusted by the thought of what bacteria are lingering around bathrooms, I wash my hands no matter what I did in there, and then I use the paper towel to open the door.

I HATE bathrooms with no paper towel. I hate them with all the poo in my body. HATE HATE HATE. Not only does no hand dryer actually work, but first you have to hit the button which has only been touched by other people who just used the bathroom, and most likely half-assed the handwash (because everyone does). And then you have to touch the door on the way out without any paper barrier, negating any handwashing you just did. You can get around this with elbows and kicking, but it's an annoyance.

I am certain that my penis is cleaner than any bathroom door handle, so that just means the next time I pee or go for one of my oh-so-discreet "adjustments" (that surely no one notices, right? right?), I just contaminated my crotch. Great.

Back to the survey, there's one question that asks: To wipe, do you reach your hand between your legs, or do you reach your hand around your backside? And one of the options is "Not Sure". WTF? How can you possibly be unsure if you reach behind your back or through your legs? Schrodinger's cat, people.

Apparently some people think it's ok to go to the bathroom with the door open. Now I know how comfortable it can get in a relationship. I've had gf's come in while I'm doing my business to get something, though I never liked it. And I've been in there when she just dropped trou and did number 1, and it didn't gross me out. But I have never thought it was ok to just leave the door open, especially during number 2.

I'm not a fan of pee, but it doesn't gross me out like poo does. I don't want her to see me pooping, nor do I want to see her in that situation. Some things are better left unseen. I want to maintain my illusion that when she poops, she turns her head, giggles cutely, and a little pink colored turd comes out that smells like roses. Nothing un-hots a girl like imagining -- or worse yet seeing -- her taking a dump.

And I guess now's as good a time as any to mention how some people in Asia poop. FINALLY, the story can be told! They use a hole in the ground. I'm not talking about a hole dug out of the ground, though I'm sure that method gets plenty of use all over the world. I mean nice clean bathrooms indoors with a hole in the ground and little footpads next to it and hand rails. All for your squatting pleasure. This particular cultural gem comes from Singapore. I'm pretty sure it's seen in Malaysia too.

This is why the words "western toilet" are so sought after in that part of the world.

I've heard that in Germany there's a "shelf" in the toilet so you can "inspect" what you've left behind (Germans are just strange enough for this to be true). And in parts of Mexico and eastern Europe (like Greece), the sewer systems are so old that they can't handle toilet paper, so you wipe and put it in a trashcan sitting there. Boy, that sure conjures up some wonderful thought-smells. And there have to be flies.

I'll bet you won't complain about plunging the toilet the next time, huh?

Please leave any entertaining bathroom stories in the comments. I started this post just to link the survey, and then got carried away. So we may as well turn it into a poo-a-rama.


At 6/4/06 09:14, Anonymous garlic said...

this is one of the craziest rant ever.

At 6/4/06 09:27, Blogger TSS said...

I do aim to please.

At least you comment, and I appreciate that. I know there are at least 2 lurkers who read through everything and never comment.

At 6/4/06 10:08, Anonymous Anonymous said...

One of the people I am currently sleeping with recently got up in the middle of the night to crap. She apparently thought closing the door was optional since I was asleep. Well I'm a light sleeper. And yes few things expose someone's utter humanity than an auditory expose of their bodily functions. But at least now I have something to make fun of her for.

At 6/4/06 10:15, Blogger TSS said...

If you can watch your girl poo and still want to do her, then you must really like her.

At 6/4/06 12:49, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't watch, I was just forced to listen.

At 6/4/06 13:08, Blogger TSS said...

My instinct is to find it gross, but I guess that's not so bad. One of my ex's used to fart just about everytime we started having sex and it became a joke. And really, at that point, like I'm gonna stop.

At 29/3/11 11:10, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention key point in Indian Method... You must clean it with water not wipes and wash your feet and hands after coming out of the bathroom(if possible with soap). There are places out side the bathroom to wash and wipe your feet. Not to mention plenty of sunshine that helps in drying.

At 7/5/11 17:09, Blogger michael said...

We have many Mexican Parties at the VFW and always piles of toilet paper on the floor some one must remind them our sewer system is doing ok please flush it all! Nothing quite like going into a bathroom and being knee deep in toilet paper.


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