Confessions

* Sometimes I get a craving for McDonalds. And I eat it.

I always want to buy a few extra quarter pounders to throw at hippies. Not for being vegetarians; no, I respect that. I prefer to imagine slopping them all over the faces of meat eaters who claim a big mac is disgusting, because you know some self repressed part of them in there would love every second of it.

Join us, Lisa!
[/bart and homer]


* When I was seeing my family for Christmas, the first thing I noticed about the wife of a friend of mine was that her boobs were considerably bigger than the last time I saw her. She was already a size D. She's my step sister.

Ok, maybe it's sort of creepy, but we never grew up together or anything. We became "family" when I was 23 and she was already married. I would never check out my own sister in the same way (JB and RCR can just go ahead and shut the eff up right about now).

All of my step sisters are blonde knockouts, actually. Hot girls have hot friends, and they have lots of friends. And southern Florida girls have been objectified their whole lives, so you can't surprise them with common male crassness. The guys there aren't any different than guys anywhere else.


* I don't know why I haven't moved to Florida yet. Maybe it's because the first two questions out of every girl's mouth is what do I do, and what kind of car do I drive (a 2000 anything is the wrong answer, it just sits in the spot 98% of the time anyway).

I used to spin a yarn about pulling down some clown work at the Yakima Valley rodeo. But it was getting too commercialized. It was just obvious they were only concerned about the bottom line, ya know? It wasn't about the clowning anymore. So I've been looking for a new gig.

But it turns out someone in my new extended step family actually is a rodeo clown, so I had to hang that beaut of a story up. Oh, unemployed rodeo clown bit, we had a good run.

Now I've been gettin' some pretty steady work with a group of migrant farmers... [sigh] ...as long as the crops hold out.


* I'm worried about my Dad. He's doing ok, considering what he just went through. Obviously I'm more than grateful that he's alive, but trust me when I say, no one wants to see their Dad this way.


* I always feel a little ill after I eat McDonalds. Meh. That's just the satisfaction setting in.


* I wish I had a monkey butler.