Goodbye dignity

That refers to my recent experience I'll call "shopping-con-nospon" until I think of a better name.

"Nospon", of course, is short for Nose Tampon, which, if I'm not mistaken, is middle english for "gawd awful face raping bloody thing crammed up your schnozz for a week".

Therefore, shopping-con-nospon would be forgetting about said nospon being readily visible to the outside world. And by "forgetting" I mean, growing accustomed to the constant itchy irritation and headache for enough seconds stringed in a row to allow the sensation of hunger to set in.

The amazing thing is how people immediately think they're better than you just because you're hideous. That really sucks. I'll try to be more sensitive to ugly people from now on (as long as they don't touch me or pretend to know me, or, ya know, breathe around me too much). But what's truly bizarre is that people seem to think you want to talk about it.

Oh hey, thanks for bringing up my horrible disfigurement! That's really appropriate since I've never met you. Wow. Let me just say: Tact, you've got it.

"Dude, what happened to your face?" Jesus, wtf happened to yours, pizza nerd? Looks like you fell off the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Obviously you've been playing Final Fantasy ever since. At least I'll eventually be presentable to the general public without plastic surgery someday.

"Had a bad day, huh?" No, I love imagining my face is a vagina. Hey, since my face might as well be a vagina, I may as well be PMS'ing! And it's a bad case. So shut the eff up, and go get me some icecream, you ignorant douchenozzle. And by icecream, I mean whiskey. Lots of it. Hup! Hup!

And the worst of all, the less-than-polite look away, as though I don't have a goddamned tampon sticking out of my freakin' face. Yes, I see you shielding your kid's eyes and suddenly being enthralled with the nutrition information on your pack of Ding Dongs, you bloated orca. Why don't you just go ahead and deep fry them and then make love to them with your folds? Wouldn't be the first time, would it?


Damn. You'd think I hated people or something, but I swear this is just circumstances talking. I definitely needed that. I feel better already.


The sad thing? After all that I'm still eating sauce packs and pasta (but with a hot sausage!). This fucking sucks.


I should get it out tomorrow, but no promises. I know I said this before, but I'll say it again: don't let anyone ever tell you there's such a thing as minor surgery.