Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Fitness is simple, you morons

Ok, I'm getting annoyed with these stupid extra loud volume commercials for Fitness Made Simple (I'm not linking it, if you really want to find it, you can). Their pitch is that the reason we're all so fat and out of shape is because fitness is so complicated. If only someone would dumb it down for the layperson.

Hey there! How are ya?

Losing fat is very simple. The same equation applies to every diet/exercise plan. Calories burned must be greater than calories stored as fat. To lose weight you are going to have to feel hungry for the first few days while your body adjusts to it. I don't care how much exercise you do, if you don't diet, you're not losing the fat.

Why yes, I did just read the South Beach diet book. How did you know? It's only 100 pages of explaining the diet, so you could get through it at your next trip to the library. It's well worth reading in my opinion. The other two thirds are recipes though, which you may want to keep.

This annoys me so much because it's obviously not the complexity of the equation that keeps people from exercising. Everyone and their incarcerated uncle knows it takes diet and exercise. It's being a bunch of lazy fatasses that keeps us from exercising. Get off the couch, tubby! in other words.

But god forbid we take any responsibility for our own health. Oh no, it's not that I'm a lazy piece of shit, or that I'm just a naturally fat person, it's all that gobbledygook fitness-speak they use to explain how to run a mile!

Run a mile? [scoff!] What the hell does that mean? In English, please (rolling eyes).

So yeah. Stop eating fast food. Put some veggies in your diet, for chrissakes. I know this is just an insane suggestion so you may as well shoot me right now, but maybe, just maybe, you could entertain the thought of eating vegetarian meals from time to time. And get outside and do some exercising, lard butt. I'm saying this as someone who needs to lose fat, so don't take it personally anyone. I got one of those scales that calculates your bodyfat percentage. Wow. Don't ever get one of those. Your self-esteem may never recover.

Intersting tidbits from the book: plain whitebread from the grocery store is one of the worst foods you can eat. It's basically just starch, which is kind of like slapping two candybars around your turkey sandwich. Even alot of the wheat varieties aren't much better for you. It has to be "whole grain". Only whole grain, rye, pumpernickle, and sour dough are ok breads to eat (this is what the book says). If the bread says it's "enriched" that just means they processed the hell out of it and had to add vitamins back in. Potato chips and tortilla chips are out, salsa is in. Pita bread is in. Pita and hummus is just fine, though if you're going to do the diet you have to cut all carbs out for the first two weeks.

And margarine is more or less toxic. In fact, so is anything with "partially hydrogenated" anything in it (trans fats). I heard [rumor alert] somewhere that someone left butter and margarine out in the open in their garage to see what would spoil faster. After awhile the butter was covered in mold, and the margarine was discolored, but otherwise untouched. If microscopic organisms won't eat it, what does that tell you about the nutritional value of this particular eating substance?

Hi there! How are ya? That was a rhetorical question.


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